WE ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY EVERY LITTLE THINGS

 So, I am writing this post at a cafe that I regularly came, with a song, "Come Back, Be Here." and of course, lagu from Ms Taylor Swift. Haha. 

And I am feeling every bits of it, the sound of TS from my airpod, the smell of my Spanish Latte (YES, I ORDERED COFFEE TODAY!), and also, I'm enjoying my little treats too, a basket of fries! 

And the best thing about it is, I am sitting at my fav table, well, actually my spot usually belah kanan but ada few school girls lepak situ so I choose untuk ambil spot belah kiri, while people watching.

Today I realized, ada kelebihan rupanya cafe ni kat tingkat atas of this bangunan, sebab people watching from this spot is better than the ground floor haha. 

Makin tinggi kau daripada ground, makin besar 'kuasa' penglihatan kau. Ceh. Acah acah powerful lah kejap.

.

Actually, I was just back from my appoinment. Yes, this is the first time that I open up about this, openly. I dah two years being diagnosed with MDD and recently, October last year, the doctor manage to see the 'real' problem that I've been facing for the whole of my life, which is OCD.

Yang mana pada awalnya aku ingatkan it is ADHD. Well, there's quite persamaan but ada main perbezaan, which is the frontal lobe kot, untuk ADHDer, that part in their brain is less active but in my brain, the OCD brain I mean, is so-very-overly active. Kah!

And I've been managing my own brain quite good sebab I don't have physical compulsion, but mental compulsion, pergh! 

And tbh,

It-is-very-very-hard-to-handle ya!

And there's a lot yang happening within these few months but I learnt a lot. Like, A LOT!

And salah satunya, thanks to ERP (Exposure punya therapy, gugel lah kalau nak tau lanjut, tak rajin nak explain right now), sebab I manage to 'handle' lah a bit and make me braver to handle this mind.

And yeah, aku dah lama tau avoid from having 2 appoinments at the same day, sebab last timeit doesn't work well. I had to reschedule my therapist appoinment sebab ada miscomm, and I hate that. 

Cause I LOVE meeting with my therapist, discuss this and that, and all. I feel alive and hopeful when I talk with her, and even on those days yang aku stress melampau nak open up and had to tell her the worst things that happened in my life, but somehow, we are discussing things and it makes me opening my pov.

And yes, untuk siapa yang kenal aku, diorang akan tahu, aku memang sejenis yang suka untuk enjoy the very little things. Aku suka untuk mention that thing jugak.

Even the hardships, aku akan cuba untuk enjoy.

Tapi actually, idk. There are parts yang aku avoiding even aku enjoying all of those things.

Contohnya, avoid untuk buat benda yang aku rasa aku tak patut buat, like minum kafein. Walaupun tu adalah waktu aku makan Fluoxetine (ubat lama) yang buat aku manic, hallucination and so on. Haha. It was a lot of craziness waktu makan ubat tu.

But somehow, even after aku tukar ubat (I requested as I dah tak tahan and feel like ubat tu memang tak fit me), aku still avoid cafein, sebab, aku takut. Aku sangat takut, cause it also makes me tak dapat makan Zolpidem (my sleeping meds) haha. Actually ia tak berkait sangat tapi my brain is telling me, the worst will happen if this and that, blablabla.....

So aku avoid semua benda yang aku rasa mungkin tak selamat untuk aku.

Yes. That is OCD. Actually, bukan tu je la untuk kita cakap itu adalah OCD tapi OCD makes it worse. 

...

"Come back, be here. Come back, be here.."

Aku dengar lagu ni just because of this quote je.

It kinda makes me feels like,

"Syuhada, come back. Be here."

I miss the little old me, that is so brave to entertain her life.

I mean, yeah. This Syuhada is much more braver than that old Syuhada, actually. 

I feel like, I'm looking at this me, right now yang tengah typing in this little cozy cafe, with a song that has been repeatedly played, sambil the camera zoom out, showing that, she's now braver than she already know (uhuk, rasa nak shed tears pulak haha). 

But yeah. You deserve that pujian, Syuhada. You deserve a pat on your shoulder, from that little you, little Ai yang berumur 7 tahun. 

I feel like she's hugging me and proud of me. For being able to overcome her fears. 

And even the 'more-matured-me' yang age 25 pun would gladly and smiling proudly at me, sambil memperhatikan aku from another side of this cafe, looking at me typing this, and walk away.

I kinda feel like, 'Hey, I did this?!'

Antara rasa percaya dan juga a little bit of takut, while seeing the monster of the OCD, tengah berpeluk tubuh and letting me feeling this 'brave' for a bit of time, and maybe looking at 'his' watch while tengah try untuk plan a new thing to scare me, but little did I know, the anxiety, the monster, is actually trying to watch me. To keep me safe.

Hah.

Walaupun aku baru sahaja mempersoalkan kembali persoalan tu kepada my therapist, "I feel like my brain hates me, it always trying to scare me away,"

But deep inside, thanks to my therapist too, for reminding me, that it is actually trying to keep me safe. It's trying to guard me. 

And I need to tell her, to be 'softer' to me. To sit back and relax in that 'red-calm-sofa' while enjoying her cup of tea. Or maybe, hot chocolate.

Well, maybe I can use that, telling myself, "Anxiety, calm down, please have a sit, make a brew, and enjoy that cozy sofa for a while. Let me try to handle this first, by my own.

I mean, yeah. 

It's not that I nak overtake the Anxiety's role in protecting me, but you have to believe in me, I can handle this. You've seen me handling things, and you see, I mean, people also saw it, that I can manage it. So, now, trust me, Anxiety. Trust me.

Let us enjoy this chaos, and let's see, how will it be, can you, Anxiety?"

....

Eventho there is a little bit of fear in me, cause I think the OCD is trying to scare me away and telling me that, "You will feel bad again later.", but then, hey, what if, I feel bad but I can bounce back too?

I mean, life is supposed to teach us things, right? 

So, why not, enjoy this all little things?

*hugs!

-MentariQowiy, Feb25-

Yes, we are ALLOWED to feel and enjoy EVERY LITTLE things <3